drumroll please...

In the middle of alllll the craziness with school, I've been fantasizing with my friend Dahlia about meeting somewhere during the winter break. She wanted an internship, and I really just wanted to go back to Uganda, but I was willing to go wherever if the door opened. Dahlia and I haven't seen each other since the beginning of the year, when we met while she was visiting family in Cairo, and she's been one of my dearest friends since. We both have the same crazy obsession with Africa, she more with west africa and me more with...well you all know...Uganda. :) Turns out, she scored an internship in Uganda...soooooo, I'm going to meet her there!! Yep, I got the ticket and everything. This will only be my third time back, but I feel like that place is my home, and the people are my family. I can't believe I get to share it with her, especially after the last trip when my MOM! came. Really, Uganda and Joshua and his family and the kids, they're the only thing in my life that makes sense right now. How is it possible that I get to go back again so soon? And that Dahlia is coming? wow. Feels weird to be blessed.

i need a place
thats hidden in the deep,
where lonely angels sing you to your sleep,
when all the world is broken.

a lone thought

there's something to be said for waiting until you're ready.

i heart ketchup

Three tomatoes are walking down the street, poppa tomato, momma tomato, and baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. The poppa tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him, says: "catch up!"


french fries anyone?

7 things you never knew...

Lazo "tagged" me in order that I may give up seven random things about myself. This may be a bit self-indulgent, but today is Eid (celebration of the end of Ramadan), the party of all parties, so...cheers.

1. I hold the record for the mile (5:13) and the two-mile (11:06) at Carpinteria High School, since 2002. Yes, I was a runner (aka crazy person).

2. When I was six years old, I prayed and asked God for a little sister, and that's how Bethany happened.

3. I've climbed 6,000 steps to the top of Tai Shan, one of China's five holy mountains.

4. I prefer to sit on the floor, and eat with my fingers.

5. My favorite sound is made when the librarian opens a library book and stamps it with the due date. I love the smell of libraries too...of all books really. I loooove books.

6. I love to sing, especially when I feel awkward, or when I'm trying to memorize something in Arabic.

Actually, in fact, my life is a musical.

7. I genuinely enjoy doing the dishes...you can take the rest of the house. ;-)

Aight...time to pass this on, even though I dont think I even know three other people that read my blog...

Katie!!
Aubrey!!
Lisa!!

Haha.

the rights and the violence...

I wonder how a Christian can believe in the promises of God to Israel, especially regarding their right to the land, and reconcile that with the forced displacement of Palestinians and the continued violance against them?

Many things I have read recently have prompted this question, including this article. There is a strong sympathy for Palestinians among my friends and classmates here in Egypt, contrasted with the pro-Zionist perspective back home in the states. At this point, I'm rather disgusted with both sides of the struggle really. But I really hate what I see happening to Palestinian people in the West Bank and Gaza...and I almost feel guilty about that because I believe in Israel's rightful ownership to the land based on the promises of God.

Is there a biblical Human Rights perspective that can properly address this issue?

I went into a mosque with a friend the other day so that she could pray. I sat down and waited somewhat awkwardly while she performed her prayer, quietly praying under my breath because I didn't know what to do with myself...as I looked around at the huge ceilings with ornate patterns, I was torn between a strange feeling of peace and a strong sense of conflict in the spiritual realm. It was really quiet and cool, and relatively empty of people, but imagine when it's full of devoted muslims on their face in prayer, what is really going on there in the spirit? Is the Holy Spirit there, duking it out with the forces of darkness?

I almost got this sense that it was empty of the Lord's presence up until the moment I took off my shoes and tiptoed in, and then I asked Him to come, fill the place, surround us with His loving kindness and touch my friend's life.

and I wondered...can I even spend time communing with the Lord in a place of false worship?

what do I want to know...?

Research paper time...I have two this semester, one for my Intro to International Human Rights Law, and the other for Migration and Refugee Movements in the Middle East and North Africa.

So, what will I write about? I'd ideally like to begin research in an area that will be relevant to my thesis, but I don't know if that's realistic considering that I really don't have a clue yet where I want to go with my thesis research. My first thought: Uganda. Of course, but I don't feel a sense of excitement about that, like I want to explore different parts of africa, or the middle east. Then again, it's probably smartest to pursue area with which I'm already familiar (and care deeply about) instead of starting from scratch...Right now I'm leaning toward doing my Intro to IHRL paper on a human rights issue related to the war and displaced persons in northern Uganda. Which leaves my other paper, which can't be about Uganda because it's a class about North Africa and the Middle East. We had some reading about the Palestinian/Israeli conflict that I found really interesting, and also about Iraqi refugees. If I do research into refugee/migration issues into one of those areas, maybe it would be wiser (easier??) to do my other paper on a human rights law issue in the same area. Or maybe it would be too tricky to write two related papers without them overlapping beyond what is appropriate.

I need a really good research question. I have lots of interests, and random little questions in my head, but nothing worth anything. Are IDP camps violating people's right to movement and access to water or land? The US manufactures much of the arms in the world, so where do they go? (what armed conflicts?) Child soldiers in Uganda, terrorism in Israel, trafficking in South Africa, torture, religious persecution...what do I really want to know? I need ideas!!

people are silly

Sometimes i feel like we live in denial of the unwritten, unspoken world that exists between humans in relationship. Most people are familiar with the concepts of verbal and nonverbal communication, but nonverbal communication isn't just eye contact and how you cross your arms and sweating and all that, it's the combined force of everything you do with your body yes, but it's a comprehensive electric-ish undercurrent that you send out to everyone, EVERYONE does this! and whether you pick up on it or not, you can always tell how someone feels about you when your interacting with them, or only I can?? Maybe it's some personality thing that I have, but I feel extra sensitive to it, and I desperately wish more people would just be real (for lack of a better word--i'm venting). I notice it the most after I spend time with friends that are "real," meaning they're saying what reveals their true thoughts, acting in a way that reflects their true intentions...then I encounter someone who hides behind petty smiles and disingenuous behavior, and I sense something almost palpable in the air between us, and my insides are screaming: this is humiliating! cut through the crap and give me something organic, something that's yours! What do you do with people like that? Cut them out of my life? Wait for them to...whatever? Give them a piece of my mind? Let it go?

I wish the unwritten reflected the spoken, i wish the intangible matched the solid....really, I just wish certain persons wouldn't double cheek kiss me.

"It's time to come back to purity not prosperity. It's time to come back to relation not religion. For zeal without relation gives birth to condemnation, judgmentalism and destructive fundamentalism..." Jessica Schenk

an encounter of conflicting faiths

I had a conversation today with a couple of my friends, both Egyptian, both Muslim, both fasting for Ramadan...conveniently we were seated at Hardy's while I grabbed lunch between work and class, but now I just sound like a jerk. I'm not, I swear.

"He is the King of Kings" said M about Allah, describing the reasoning behind the bowing of the head during Muslim prayer. "When people used to want to show their respect for the king, they would bow...when we think about who Allah is, we can't help but bow to him" (I paraphrase a bit). He and Ayah explained to me a few things about Ramadan, and prayer, including the fact that Allah draws closest to people during a certain time of day, namely between the hours of midnight and four am, that's when he hears and answers prayers most. Also, during Ramadan there is a day during the last 10 days of fasting where Allah will answer any of your prayers, but you don't know which day it is, so a persistent person would seek answers to their prayer on each of the 10 days in order not to miss the one day when Allah will listen.

They talked about Him like he was their King, their God, not like a father, but it wasn't the same distant sort of relationship that I have associated with the Muslim faith. "If I made this mobile phone, then I am the one that knows it best..." M explained. I thought to myself, "indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered..." "He made you, he is the one that knows you best" said Ayah. "My God knows me like that," I thought, "are they confused about the attributes of their god Allah? or am I seeing the meeting point of our two faiths?" I mean, they came from one and the same place, their history meets in the Old Testament, and it's humbling to see the remnants of that time carried through to present day.

They told me more about their feelings for Ramadan. That many muslims have it wrong, they are angry and impatient during the daylight hours, waiting anxiously for iftar to gorge themselves and make up for a full days worth of abstinence. Ayah emphasized that they are missing the point, that it's to teach us patience, to identify with the poor, to sacrifice for Allah, that it doesn't end with the call to prayer at 6, it's a fast that continues even when you come together in the evening to share a meal with your family. Again I felt a strange identification with her words, and a new respect for the ramadan fast, for the whole point of it.

How can our faith be so similar, so intertwined, and yet the points we differ on make the difference between heaven and hell.... It just seems like my two friends really know God, or genuinely want to know Him and love Him and follow Him...and there's where I draw a complete blank, or want to cry, because I just can't reconcile that with the other truth that I know, Jesus Christ is the only way to get to God. He is the way, the truth, the life.

little bits and randoms

I feel the need to give a practical update of sorts, for the very few of you who check this and care. :)

I really really really like a few of my classes, pretty much the ones I attended after the post below about hating my law class. I have intro to international human rights law (ihrl), and migration and refugee movements in the middle east and north africa (mouthful I know). I loooooove studying migration, I think it's fascinating, and I'm stoked on this course. The other two, intro to international law, and research and writing for ihrl...meh, not so fun. The reading is heavy in each of my classes, and it's going to be an intense semester with working and hopefully volunteering as well.

But, one thing is that I'm moving to a flat right near campus, like 2 minutes walk, so that will make everything much more convenient, and allow me to feel more centered. So, cool.

On another note, Ramadan started today, 30 days of fasting and partying has officially begun. I missed Ramadan last year, so this will be my first time experiencing it in Cairo...so far it's mid afternoon on the first day and I haven't noticed anything interesting...sorry.

Started running today too, finally! A friend of mine here is a runner, and we've both fantasized about running a marathonfor a long time, so we're doing it! There's a race in Luxor in February, but I'm not sure exactly how long it is...may not be a full marathon, but still should be awesome, and if anything a good marking point for marathons in the early summer of next year...I'm so serious about this. I miss running like crazy, and I've been wanting to do this kind of training for years, so here I go...

I got the website up for AGLM, but no one has said anything about it :(
Either that means it's horrible and not worth giving me constructive criticism, or no one has seen it...except my mom (thanks mom you rock).

I miss you people!

so...about that whole "law" part

not sure how I feel about the law part of International Human Rights Law.

Based on the one class I've attended (happens to be international law), where we actually discussed a few historical cases, I officially found none of it interesting. Actually, I thought I was getting all my foreign languages mixed up because I'm pretty sure I didn't actually understand ANY of the vernacular used in the discussion. Most of the students have political science backgrounds, and apparently I was the only one in the room who hadn't ever read a case before. Add that to the fact that I have an ear infection (ouch!) and I'd say I was thoroughly lost. Excellent. I know that some people start this program and discover, hey! I love this whole law gig, and some realize, oh, I hate this! I'm just thinking to myself...oh man, please don't hate law, please don't hate law, pretty please!

sigh...

Snap crackle pop done!

"Done" is a very fluid concept of progress by the way.

Thanks to Kjeare's suggestion to join wordpress.com, though, I have a whole new site set up for Africa Greater Life Mission, and I'm finally not too embarrassed to share the address:

www.africagreaterlifemission.com.

It's a work in progress for sure, but at least it's up and functioning. I mean, even with just the most basic information it's putting a face to a very worthy and God-breathed organization...and even more to a community of Ugandans who live every moment of their lives as servants to the less fortunate, to the orphans and widows, the rejected and suffering and in distress. I have great respect for the work that God is doing through the Magezi family and their organization, and I want to see the best possible representation of this work channeled to the world through this website...but I don't pretend of have the capacity to accomplish it on my own.

My vision is a face drawn and colored in by all sorts of people from all over the world who care about and advocate for AGLM and its mission, especially for the orphaned and street children of Uganda. In this landlocked third-world African nation, the internet has become the only effective means of communication with the rest of the world; having a website has made links between AGLM and people from a bunch of countries, with extremely different cultures and world views, but with a ton of unique gifts and resources. And the volunteers, the people who have given even just a smigeon of their time and energy, they are some major tools God has used to carry out AGLM's projects. It's a partnership designed mission, and it's so cool!

I'll take some creativity, please

After first going to Uganda in 2006, I created a website for my friend's organization, Africa Greater Life Mission, because all he had at that point was some ghetto msn group. I "taught" myself photoshop and dreamweaver, stumbed through the process of website creation and domain hosting...in the end I built a site much like a massive wall composed primarily of gaping holes....

It worked, though, enough to communicate the mission and programs of AGLM, and give people enough information to encourage their inquiry into volunteering in Uganda and supporting AGLM. A year and a half later, this site is still functioning! although, for me, visiting it is much like reading a journal entry from 7th grade (I heart Jorge Gonzales??? lol cringe.) And pretty much, if I tried to fiddle with the actual files/site links, I'm pretty sure the whole thing would explode.

Basically, I'm trying to design a whole new thing from scratch, keeping it simple simple simple..but I'm out of ideas for the design of the content on each page...or out of mental energy to actually deal with it. This is all I've got


Seriously, at this point, I wish it would just complete itself. Maybe AGLM should join myspace?

on all things exposed

So I've mentioned the fact that my room doesn't have AC, and it's hot, so I've been camped out in the living room next to the steady flow of reasonably cold air, in pretty much the only corner of the house I can manage to not hate myself. It's just funny, because I had been living like this the whole last year I was in Egypt, never completely at ease, in someone else's home, on the couch, in the living room, in the middle of residential traffic for all to see...I think they call it couch surfing? or something to that effect...I just like to say I was homeless, it captures the heart of it really, always a place to crash, never a home. I was pretty determined to NOT go that route again this year, considering I will be in school full time and, well, do I need a good reason to want my own space? But, here I am, crashing in the living room because I can't take the heat....

maybe personal space is overrated, or maybe I'm proving it's necessary for my mental health.

no reality in this country

I wanted to download the sermon from Reality last Sunday, but apparently the Reality website is blocked here...this is what happens:


I can still get the messages from itunes I think, but the most recent one hasn't shown up yet so I'm still not sure.

Bummer, eh?

hmmmm

So, ya, I'm here. It's hot. I miss you guys. Did I mention it's hot? It's a blazing furnace of muggy polluted smog. Love my apartment except I have no AC, but a fan really helps. Here's the view from my room...not very exciting I know.


I pretty much have nothing to do until next week when registration starts and all that jazz. I've already met a few people in my program who I really like, go figure since we have the same passion for refugee studies and human rights. Weird meeting people who are like you, but kinda cool too.

It's nice to be back...a little strange considering I've never gone back to live in a place where I've already dwelled for a season, other than coming home of course. Even coming home has been temporary each time. This is a whole new gig, this coming back thing. And I can't say how I feel about it yet.

some puzzle pieces are shaped the same

This week keeps reminding me of my last week in Uganda, this being the final week before I return to Egypt, one in which I've spent a lot of time reflecting, reading, aimlessly listening to music, and....going to Gulu? Well not that part, no adventures this week...in fact I've stayed as close to the inside of my bedroom as possible, only venturing out when absolutely necessary. This week just strangely parallels with that week in Uganda, months ago, when I was wrapping up a long overdue visit with some of my dearest friends in the world. I feel the same. A little detatched from reality, contemplative, often staring off into the distance, evaluating the past and planning for the future. And I keep thinking about the few days of that week that I journeyed up to Gulu in northern Uganda...things this week keep reminding me of it, moments shoot through my memory in pictures, flashbacks. I can go there so easily in my mind because I'm in the same frame of mind...

I'm glad that this transition brings that experience to the forefront of my mind, it drives me to pray for my friends, for the kids, for the displaced families, for the government, for Uganda.

Stateless

What would it feel like to have no identity connected with your place of birth? to be refused association with that place by the government? I don't put a whole lot of weight in my identity as an American because it has always been secondary to my identity as a child of God, but what if my US citizenship was stripped away...

Imagine having to prove you were born somewhere when all you have is a scribble of your birthdate on a scrap, or being stranded in a country that refuses to recognize you, or any of your rights...the Sudanese in Egypt, the Rohingya in Bangladesh, Palestinians in Canada, Filipinos in Malaysia....according to this article from the International Herald Tribune, there are at least 15 million of these stateless people in the world.

Greg Constantine is a photographer who has been following the Rohingya people's struggle and describes it a bit in this video.

torture in Egypt

Who am I? I don't know. I guess i have a lot of things to ponder...

Today I was enlightened by my honey, who called after taking a Myers Briggs Indicator Type test thingy because after reading her report she was sure that I had the same personality profile as her, and based on the excerpts from her report I could only but agree...so I took a copy cat version of the test (already took it in college with the same result) and found out that yes, we have the same profile, and yes, ONLY 1% of the population shares this profile: INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving). Who are we? we are alone apparently.

No but really, who are we INFP-one-percent-of-the-world people? Well, according to a host of websites all of which recommended to me by the wizard (google), the list includes none other than--ahem--Mary mother of Christ...as well as Shakespeare, Homer, John F. Kennedy Jr., Helen Keller, Neil Diamond, Julia Roberts....blah blah blah.

Reading a critique of yourself as a "personality type" is mostly eerie, slightly exhilarating, not at all something you want to hinge your existence on...nevertheless, it's describing--me! It should be somewhat helpful I suppose.

I hate to copy and paste a load of text, but EVERY WORD is describing ME! Only take the time to read it if you really really want to know me. :) It just might be worth your while, if you feel so inclined.

You can take a sort of pretend version of the Myers Brigg test here. Do it! and tell me what type you are!

INFPs-live their lives focusing on their values. They know what is important to them and protect this at all cost. Their values focus on the optimistic verses the pessimistic, although they are often conscience of the negative. To understand the INFP is to understand their cause. They can work tirelessly toward a cause that deems worthy. They will quietly let others know what is important to them, and rarely will they give up on their purpose. They will go along with the crowd, sometimes even letting decisions be made for them, until someone violates their value system. Then they will dig their heels into the ground and will speak up for their feelings, insisting their values be followed.

INFPs are withdrawn and are sometimes hard to get to know. Some may view them as shy. But those that take the time to get to know them will find them warm and gentle, with a surprising sense of humor. They care deeply for those they consider special friends. Putting forth-unusual sacrifices to help such individuals. They often have a subtle, tragic motif running through their lives -- inner pain and unease which others seldom detect.

INFPs are creative and are constantly seeking out new possibilities. They have a gift with language and usually will express this by means of writing. Their intuitive preference supplies the imagination and their feeling preference giving them the need to communicate. They are gifted at interpreting symbols - being drawn to metaphors and similes. Because of these gifts they often write in lyric fashion.

INFPs work must be more than just a paycheck, it must be fun and must contribute to something that is important to their values. To be the most productive they need a sense of purpose behind their job. They often have to look at the large picture in order to see how specific programs fit in. They are adaptable to changes and to new ideas. They work well with others being conscious of others feelings and relating with most, though not always vocally. They like to work with others who are cooperative and who share their same set of values. They strive for harmony and dislike conflict.

INFPs treasure their privacy and may keep a lot to themselves. They need time and space for reflection. Others usually get along well with them, although they may not know them intimately. INFPs may not always be organized. They may tend to lose things or to forget appointments. Only when they see the importance of organization in a task will they strive to work at it in an organized way to get it done. They can be extremely patient with complicated issues, but may become impatient with routine and details.

INFPs strive for perfection, and this is especially the case when using their feeling preference. They may have trouble finishing a project, because they never find it is good enough. Even when the project must be finished, they may feel the need to go back and improve on it later.

Reluctantly INFPs may accept leadership roles. They lead with their values being their guide. They do not aggressively lead people, but rather work with people to develop their talents and to independently achieve their goals. They have a hard time criticizing others, but will try to motivate them by their appreciation and praise. When conflicts arise, they avoid directly approaching the situation, but would rather wait for the others to work out the situation themselves.

INFPs view leisure activity as very important. However they may have a difficulty separating it from work. If they have a special skill they use at work, they may use this skill in their leisure time to help friends, family or those in need. When they are interested in pursuing a new leisure activity, they may spend a great deal of time researching this activity. Many INFPs enjoy activities that are done alone such as reading, listening to music, or gardening. This gives them the opportunity for reflection and meditation. They may also enjoy social activities with those they feel close to. When they want to be social they can be outgoing, charming and quiet funny, making them a pleasure to have around.

INFP Strengths

• Warmly concerned and caring towards others
• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
• Deep capacity for love and caring
• Driven to meet other's needs
• Strive for "win-win" situations
• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
• Able to express themselves well
• Flexible and diverse

INFP Weaknesses

• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don't like to have their "space" invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders

(bela7 collapses.)

From the Jerusalem Post

'Egyptians killed 4 Sudanese on border'

Egyptian soldiers killed four Sudanese refugees near the Egypt-Israel border overnight Wednesday in full view of IDF troops, a shaken-sounding IDF soldier said in an interview with Channel 10, Thursday evening.

According to the soldier, female IDF troops operating night vision devices identified several refugees approaching the border in an attempt to infiltrate Israel and alerted other soldiers who arrived after a few minutes in an army jeep.

However, Egyptian troops who also discovered the refugees, fired upon them, immediately killing two and wounding a third. A fourth refugee ran towards the fence and an IDF soldier stretched out his hands, trying to help him cross.

At that point, the soldier recalled, two Egyptian soldiers arrived and started pulling at the refugee's legs.

"It was literally like we were playing 'tug of war' with this man," the soldier said. The soldier eventually loosened his grip on the man, fearing the Egyptians would shoot him.

"They were aiming loaded weapons straight at us, I was afraid they were going to shoot us," he said.

The Egyptians then carried the man several meters away from the border fence, and proceeded to beat him and another wounded refugee to death with stones and clubs.

"What happened there yesterday was a lynch. These are not men, they're animals. They killed him without even using firearms," the soldier said. "We just heard screams of pain and the sounds of beatings. Then the screams stopped."

The entire event was caught on IDF tapes, but the soldier said that his commanders, who were not at the site, would not dare watch them.

The entire incident took place on the Egyptian side of the border, IDF sources told Israel Radio later Thursday evening.

A Channel 10 commentator said the channel preferred not to show the tape, so as not to cause a diplomatic row with Egypt.

Egyptian authorities said that they would investigate the incident.

I am a witness to the fact that Sudanese refugees have it rough in Egypt, trying to get by in Cairo where they can't get jobs or social services, where they experience the wrath of discrimination from Egyptians who don't identify with Africa and generally harbor a disdain for all black skinned people. Egypt is a nasty place for the refugees, yet it's the most logical destination for a Sudanese fleeing his war torn homeland.

I want to fight for them!

this is for me

bela7 must write, and it doesn't have to make sense or have a purpose. it's just my stream of consciousness...or multiple streams consolidating into a tidal wave (okay maybe a just a splash) of thoughts that must be written, that's all.


Stream:
I'm reading Galations this week, and considering I've been reading the bible for 23 years, it's nothing new. But! considering scripture is ALIVE and kicking, I'm always pleasantly surprised to be hit by a piece of sharpnel. And so it goes: I'm just reading along, actually I was reminiscing a bit back to a year ago when I was in Mexico reading Murray and Spurgeon and devouring Paul's letter to the churches of Galatia with near obsession. I've been crucified...I AM cruficied...I don't live, Christ lives in me...it's not me, it's Him now....my flesh is DEAD....dead....crucified. There I was, on the beach in Boca del Rio, my spirit roared and thrashed about with this scripture, a stampede against the enemy, an army of kilt donning warriors boasting in the name of Jesus "FREEEEDOMMMM..."

ya so this is a familiar passage, blah blah blah, but reading it this morning...well this is exactly how it appeared in my mind's eye:

"If, while we seek to be justified in Christ, it becomes evident that we ourselves are sinners, does that mean that Christ promotes sin? Absolutely not! If I rebuild what I destroyed, I prove that I am a lawbreaker. For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

This is so random, but I just don't want to forget in an hour. Paul never met Jesus in the flesh, but he received a direct revelation...and he knew one thing: Jesus loved him. He just said Jesus loved him. How have I ever Not "read" that before? Paul really knew God's love, he just said it right there. Right there in Galations. Paul says "the Son of God loved ME and gave himself for ME." I have this picture of Paul the preacher, and preachers are always saying God loves YOU, gave himself for YOU. but Jesus loved Paul. Paul lived for that, for Him who loved him. oh man oh man!!!


Stream:
Aaaaaah I'm so sad. Rip the bandaid off already, all this slowly peeling off the tape and pinching each hair one by one HURTS! Leaving...I'm leaving...again. My sister. My life in Egypt is so far from here. am I making myself a stranger? I mean, I'm choosing a life there instead of here. Selling my car, student loans, two years of school. secret: I wish He would intervene with thunder and lightening....BAM!

speak now or....later....you know, whenever.


Stream:
"Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful." (if you can't guess who said this....um....let it go.)


Stream:

three minutes and fifty-nine seconds of Starlight

*smile*


Stream:
All we girls have to worry about is submitting to God. Ha! Take that!
i nefariously suck at submitting...to any and all authority.

(bela7 sits down)

Final answer

I'm going back to Egypt.



To be continued....

I'm so proud *tear*

Robyn has unveiled the inside of her brain in an oil painting...and she dedicated her art to ME!! I feel like the proud godparent of a small child...is that overreacting? nah.

I don't really have words to do justice to this piece, other than to say I've been inside her head, and this really is what it looks like. (She's been in mine too...they are quite similar.)

I desperately miss my honey.

echoes of my sojourning

"In the wisdom of the Acholi
Time is not stupidly split up
Into seconds and minutes
It does not flow
Like beer in a pot
That is sucked
Until it is finished."

Song of Lawino, an epic poem written by my friend's grandfather, Okot p'Bitek


I wonder, is this particular attitude something I can continue to value now that I'm back home? It's so contradictory with this culture...

Dearest Uganda,

I want to remember.


Uganda...I set you aside, didn't even take notice of you as I ate in your home and slept in your bed. How did I become so far removed...


But I see you. You're weeping, bleeding, wounded by false doctrine, by civil war, by disease and malnutrition. I see your children. They know no home, no future, no maternal love. I'm so sorry. I've neglected you, brushed off your cries for prayer. I've made a joke of my promises.


And through it all, you still call me friend...sister.



Joshua, Harriet, you are my family.


Praise, Blessed, Shammah and little Nissi, you are my little sisters and brothers.

I miss you dearly. I wish I had been present in both body and spirit during my last visit.

I thought living in Egypt would bring me closer to you, to my burden for you, but it nearly erased you from my radar. Maybe it's God's love for you that is taking me away from Egypt, back to a place where I can continue in the work He's given me on your behalf, a place where He can use me to bless your family and ministry. Afterall, He loved me enough to give me your precious friendship...

Uganda...I want to remember...always.

Here's a thought.

Rationalized decision making is futile without the peace of God. Forget the list. I'll wait on the Lord.

Cairo or Carpas

I'm going to make a list. It's called: "Cairo or Carpas?"

(Disclaimer: I know I can be honest cause it's MY blog, MINE!! but for personal boundries/tact-type purposes, several of the list items will be stated in "code". Please leave a comment for clarification on certain "coded" words and phrases, or if you have a witty guess. I make no blanket promise to enlighten you, though.

Also, I welcome any additional items for the list, it's a work in progress.)

Cairo:

good: super sweet Master's Degree in International Human Rights Law, working with african refugees, "dahab", my own life that i really like, cheap excitement, fuul and falafal, stella, learning arabic

bad: minimal and muted fellowship, sexual harrassment, "certain one from mars", major debt, long distance relationships, "need for resolve"

ugly: "tea", "moon worship", "war", "no honey at all whatsoever", "deafness"

Carpas:

good: REALITY!!!!, being close to my sister, shoulders and knees, running!!!!, making money, saving money, new macbook (w/out debt), endless movie nights, monday night prayer, singing in public

bad: ew job, normalnessness, "questioning the calling", "hometown haze", missing my friends like crazy aaaaaahhhhh, waiting, "proximity to mom", apathy

ugly (or potentially redeemable and therefore maybe crazy cool awesome, depending): "consumption", "circles", "greener grass", "ghosts"

oh man....I'm more confused than before.

Tricks are for kids

So this is what happens in the middle of late night study sessions. Alex bets my cousin Tony a 100 Egyptian pounds (like $15) that he can't swallow a small cup of cinnamon without drinking water. Tony enthusiastically takes on this bet, his hubris leading to a hilarious diversion from a rather monotonous evening (I'm the only one present who's not in school, and it's no fun watching med students memorize doctor stuff!)

Everyone should do this to someone they know.



If you missed the projectile vomit...watch it again. ;-)

Flashback: Easter in Jerusalem '07

Kjeare made an awesome video from Reality's trip to Israel last year, and since I was just there a few months ago during Easter, I thought I'd show the singing I heard at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. Beautiful.




But don't miss my little story below!
;-) Bela7

on why I identify with dates

After living in Egypt for a while, one realizes that it's more than possible to go do things on the weekend that average people only dream about, like ride horses at the pyramids, relax on a felucca on the nile, bask in the sun on the red sea, explore the library in Alexandria, and, well, climb Mt. Sinai. My friend Robyn and I have done all these things (and more), but our first adventure was a trip to sinai. One early morning, we hopped on a bus for a gazillion hour ride to st. katherine, the little town at the base of the mountain. For sustainance, we brought with us some bread, honey, and dried dates. I had no idea the implications of this decision at the time, but soon discovered that dates are the most delectible, sweet, satisfying snack known to man. mmmm my mouth is watering...

Anyways, when we arrived, the manager of a local bedouin camp invited us, along with some other travelers, to stay at his camp for a couple hours while we waited for a decent time to start climbing. If you want to see the sunrise, it's best to start the trek around 2 in the morning. Shocked and suffering because of the FREEEEEEEZING desert night air (deserts get cold...who knew?), we didn't even hesitate. Hot tea, blankets, a room to rest up...excellent. But this guy was weird. He really wanted to be our friend, made it seem like everything he did for us was a special favor, even though we were paying customers. He kept calling Robyn his "honey." Without getting into it too much, it got awkward, and we wanted to be alone, and we were really insanely out of control cold, so we locked ourselves in our room to wait out the few hours...

I don't know how to emphasize how annoying it was for Hamdi (the manager of the camp) to keep calling Robyn "my honey." She kept saying "Hamdi I'm not your honey" and I kept saying she's married (she's not). It wasn't like he was really hitting on her...but, it's Egypt, where the first question out of any taxi driver's mouth is "married?" But that's a whoooooole other story.

While hiding under the blankets, we intermittently ate the dates that were left from the bus ride. It was rediculous. We weren't hungry. The dates had taken over...in fact, we were so full and cold we couldn't bring ourselves to take the blankets off and leave the room to climb Sinai for sunrise...we passed out shivering, in a date-induced coma.

The next morning, we climbed Mt. Sinai, and it was so perfect! We were practically the only ones climbing, and it was bright and sunny and beautiful, and no one was at the top...such a great day. I'll never forget it.

We went back to the camp to get our stuff, and we looked at this box of dates...there were few remaining. We wanted to eat them, but there was like a supernatural force field keeping our hands from putting another date in our mouths...we couldn't eat even one more. And there was Hamdi, with his "my honey's"...we were ready to go home.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I started calling Robyn my honey too...obsessively. I even changed her name on my cell phone to "my honey"...and somewhere in there she started responding to "my honey" with "my dates"...and somewhere in there too we figured out the arabic word for dates: bela7. So from that moment on, i was bela7. When taxi drivers wanted to know my name, instead of saying rebekah which get's butchered beyond belief by native arabic speakers (wabaka...reminiscent of chubaka), I would respond with, Bela7. Usually the guy is so confused by a white girl with an arabic word for a name, and a common fruit no less, that he shuts up! It's magical.

To this day, I can't really eat dates, but I think of them fondly.

i'm on AIM now people, against my better judgement:

iambela7

by the way, bela7 sounds like belahh and it means "dates" (like the fruit) in Arabic. It's an alias, and a good story (in my opinion), so holla if your curious....

In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

i miss bethany

My sister is going to China...she just walked out the door. I know I know I know, I've been living in all these far away places for the majority of my adult life, but my baby sister is going to China! For a month! What am I going to do without her? Lil thing just learned how to drive, and now she's going to China. To bless people. I'm so proud of her it's rediculous. Anyone who knows her can testify that she is the most awesomest 16 year old on the planet. period. I feel such a relief for my parents after the hellish teenager I was, and semi-tumultuous young adult I am today...I don't think my mom could have lived through another one of me haha.


In other news, one of my professors/"buddies" from college emailed me today to see how I was doing with grad school. I confessed to him that I was apprehensive about selling my soul to student loans, and he responded with characteristicly compendious advice, which I would like to quote because he says it best: "Don't be afraid of debt. EVERYBODY is in debt. Sure it's a plunge, but if you really want this, don't let debt hold you back."

Then he concludes something so simple, so revealing, sooooo....ME: "Besides, you seemed destined for the unconventional path." Aint that the truth. I have never followed suit with the world, and I never will, really, to the intsy-bitsy-ist dismay of my mom, who gets cryptic messages from far off lands asking to pray: "mom, I'm on a ferry to Jordan, please pray". Poor thing, she's such a prayer warrior but I know it's hard to have a daughter who, well, tends to prefer living in remote third world countries to Carp. I LOVE Carp btw...wow I love it. I'm so glad it's home.


I miss Bethany. Here's her blog. http://bethelovehere.blogspot.com/

i have nothing to say

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.– Jack Handey

When I have nothing, Jack always comes through with a deep thought.

beware the rant

This is such a rollercoaster (I just went to magic mountain this week so I know what I'm talking about). This morning, I thought the storm had relented, the rain had faded to a trickle, the sun had broke through the clouds, and I was on my way...now it's the end of the day, and I'm drowning in torrential thunderstorms. I don't know what to do with myself, I can't open my bible or my mouth to pray, I give up so quickly!! I can't believe it's gotten this easy to get used to starting over, because that's what the last few weeks have been like, each day I tell myself His mercies are new every morning, and every night ends in wallowing. I thought today was different, I thought I had broken through the attack of the enemy. Turns out I'm a POW in this battle, subject to the whims of my captor. Where's the victory? How can I be stuck in these thought patterns of the past? Why can't I get through ONE day of fasting??? BAHHHHHH... Try again, tomorrow? After weeks of failure? I don't have it in me...

coming home is deleterious

So I totally didn't anticipate getting knocked on my back by this short summer back in the states, but I have slowly fallen lower and lower since coming home so that now i'm completely prostrate...someone would love to point out I'm sure that all you have to do when you're on your back is flip over to be on your face before God. Anyways, it's a familiar tune...one grows up, moves out, and comes home briefly only to regress back to infancy apon entering the family residence. I'm even slightly tempted to slam the door of my room on occasion in obstinence. It's so counter-evolutionary, and it's soffocating...

Actually what it really feels like is a fog, like I've lost all clarity since coming back. To the point where I'm stagnant. That's a bad place for me, a very bad place. I need to be moving, usually toward something, but moving in an unspecified direction with the sole purpose of moving in an unspecified direction even is a good place. Sitting here, abulic, and tormented by doubt, is not. When I began to question my return to Egypt, I lost all of my resolve to fight the good fight this summer. But I awoke this morning to...i don't know...almost an andrenaline feeling, like this is what I'm doing, I know what it takes to get there, so let's MOVE. I kinda feel this urge to run or clean my room or something...maybe the fog is clearing.

Around 6 weeks till I leave. That's about as long as I was in Uganda earlier this year, and God did so much awesome stuff during that period. If I look at it like that, and move toward the 21st of August with purpose, I just might get through this summer. Who knows, I'm taking it hour by hour at this point. 30 days begins today though, more about that when I am more confident that I'll follow through...

Ambivalence

Ambivalence:

1.
uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2.
Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

This is a state of mind that has often characterized my life, and now is no exception. This time is unique, though, in the sense that I am aware of untapped power to be decisive, instead of feeling helpless to walk without compromise. I feel like I'm turning my head left and right back and forth looking at my life in Egypt and the life in Carp I left behind, muddling the absolutes I associate with each place...it makes my head spin. In the blurred images I've started to see the outline of a very familiar story, something about slavery and a promised land...but I don't know which course of existence is "egypt" and which one is the "promised land". I really like living in Cairo, I mean I really like it. For me, that's saying something, something that in all of my sojourning I haven't been able to say honestly...until now.

At the same time, my life in Egypt has been characterized by compromise (on the convictions I have, based exclusively on the word of God), and I wonder to what extent, in my disobedience, I'm squandering the wealth of His will and His blessing. I don't think it's a question of "does God want me to go back to Egypt?"; "does he want me to go to grad school in cairo?"; or "does he want me to stay in carp?" I think it's more of a question of adhering to His word as a foundation for all courses of action. In some ways, it would be a lot easier to resist certain temptations or associations by staying in carp, especially being rooted in the body at Reality, but I wrestle with stuff here too, things that may appear innocuous to the world, believers included. Simply put, it's hard (for me) to be a Godly young woman among my friends in Cairo , but it's equally as hard to love my God with faithfulness while living in Carp. It's like, you can have all this wickedness, or you can have ONE burdensome affair that keeps you from His fullness...either way sucks. It's not about where, it's about a relationship.

So where does this all leave me? Ambivalent. Should I stay or should I go? Grad school, International Human Rights Law, in Cairo. Egypt, without the grad school, indefinitely. Carp, Reality, my family, the dreaded american life, but friends that love Jesus with their whole lives. I don't have friends in Egypt that love Him like that, maybe because I didn't look for them, or I wasn't one myself.

I kinda want to put my foot down. 30 days. seek the Lord. pray for my sister. abstain. purify. I just hope there's enough grace to cover it all and sustain my resolve.