Ambivalence

Ambivalence:

1.
uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2.
Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

This is a state of mind that has often characterized my life, and now is no exception. This time is unique, though, in the sense that I am aware of untapped power to be decisive, instead of feeling helpless to walk without compromise. I feel like I'm turning my head left and right back and forth looking at my life in Egypt and the life in Carp I left behind, muddling the absolutes I associate with each place...it makes my head spin. In the blurred images I've started to see the outline of a very familiar story, something about slavery and a promised land...but I don't know which course of existence is "egypt" and which one is the "promised land". I really like living in Cairo, I mean I really like it. For me, that's saying something, something that in all of my sojourning I haven't been able to say honestly...until now.

At the same time, my life in Egypt has been characterized by compromise (on the convictions I have, based exclusively on the word of God), and I wonder to what extent, in my disobedience, I'm squandering the wealth of His will and His blessing. I don't think it's a question of "does God want me to go back to Egypt?"; "does he want me to go to grad school in cairo?"; or "does he want me to stay in carp?" I think it's more of a question of adhering to His word as a foundation for all courses of action. In some ways, it would be a lot easier to resist certain temptations or associations by staying in carp, especially being rooted in the body at Reality, but I wrestle with stuff here too, things that may appear innocuous to the world, believers included. Simply put, it's hard (for me) to be a Godly young woman among my friends in Cairo , but it's equally as hard to love my God with faithfulness while living in Carp. It's like, you can have all this wickedness, or you can have ONE burdensome affair that keeps you from His fullness...either way sucks. It's not about where, it's about a relationship.

So where does this all leave me? Ambivalent. Should I stay or should I go? Grad school, International Human Rights Law, in Cairo. Egypt, without the grad school, indefinitely. Carp, Reality, my family, the dreaded american life, but friends that love Jesus with their whole lives. I don't have friends in Egypt that love Him like that, maybe because I didn't look for them, or I wasn't one myself.

I kinda want to put my foot down. 30 days. seek the Lord. pray for my sister. abstain. purify. I just hope there's enough grace to cover it all and sustain my resolve.